Public Service Announcement

With the rising gas prices, I have noted many new faces on the bus lately. As a public service, I present Tips for the Bus:

Tips for Pedestrians

1. Don't walk in front of a bus. Even when it's stopped. In case you hadn't noticed, they're very wide and take up pretty much the whole lane. When you poke your head around the front of the bus to check for traffic, you're in the next lane. And that's not good, in case you were wondering.
2. Don't run for the bus. It rarely helps.
3. If there is more than one bus at a bus stop, you have to walk back to the other buses. I know you're taking public transportation to avoid walking, but this really isn't that far, OK?

Tips for Car Drivers

1. Don't drive in the bus lane. Buses will not be nice to you.
2. Don't park in the right lane when the signs say you can't. You hold up the bus, making the people on it angry and late, and thereby spreading just a little more low-grade evil in the world. Plus, if the bus just happens to clip your bumper when changing lanes, miraculously, not a single passenger will have seen it happen.
   
3. If you're at a stop light or stop sign, stop at that helpful white line the government paints on the road for you. That way, when a bus has to make a right turn, it won't run into your car. And if it does run into your car, the passengers will cheer because they've been hoping for it to happen for a long time. But they'll still be pissed because an accident will make them late. So stop behind the line, OK?

Tips for Bus Drivers

1. When someone signals that they want the next stop, actually stop at the next stop. I know it cramps your style, but other people have schedules, too.
   
2. Don't try to be chatty. Your passengers are taking the bus and not pleased about it. Just shut up and drive.
3. If you're running late, don't make your passengers suffer for it. Don't brake suddenly, accelerate quickly or run red lights. You know what? We'd rather be late than dead.
4. Don't take any shit. If that guy won't shut up, kick him off. If that car cuts you off, honk, dammit! If some idiot is in the bus lane, come real close to hitting him. Your passengers will cheer you on.
5. We don't care about your opinions on football, traffic or the government. See "Tips for Bus Drivers" #2.

Tips for Passengers

1. Have your money or bus pass ready. No one wants to wait for you in the frigid cold or steaming heat while you fumble around in your bag. You had plenty of time while you were at the bus stop to get ready. Be ready.
2. Don't want to be bothered? Wear headphones*, read a book or stare out the window intently. If the bus is very full, also wear sunglasses. Pretend not to know English. Under no circumstances should you make eye contact.
3. If there are available seats that aren't next to another passenger, sit there. It's just creepy if you sit next to someone and you don't have to.
4. If you have kids, keep them under control, please. I know they're cranky and tired and don't want to be on the bus, but neither does anyone else. Try not to make it worse for everyone else.
5. You know those signs that say that certain seats are reserved for the handicapped and elderly? They're reserved for the handicapped and elderly. Don't sit there. Unless you'd like to be handicapped and don't care about living to be elderly.
6. Use your cell phone wisely. Your fellow passengers will have no qualms about telling everyone they know about your conversation. And since they only heard half of it, they will feel free to make up the other half, usually to your detriment.
   

These tips are not meant to be comprehensive, but just a starting point. Basically, don't be such a jackass, OK?

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*This actually failed me once. The guy bugging me was deaf.


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